Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

"I can't wait till school starts again!" *School Starts* "OMG, I hate school!!!"

@DamnJokesNShit: RT @iTweetFacts: "I can't wait till school starts again!" *School Starts* "OMG, I hate school!!!"

The awkward moment when you have to stare at a text for five minutes to figure out how to reply....

Im No Meteorologiest But Its Raining Bitches!

Parents spend the 1st part of our lives teaching us to walk & talk & the rest of it telling us to sit down & shut up.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

I hate when I forget to turn my swag off before bed & I wake up covered in bitches.

Alcohol - Because no good story started with someone eating a salad.

If you were a dinosaur you'd be a bitch-a-whoreus!

Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?

#LawsMenShouldFollow Never spend more than $5 on the sidechick.

I'm so miserable without you..........it's almost like you're here.

My mom told me not to talk to strangers, but then I made a Twitter account & it became a hobby.

Walt Disney created the first movie to use the word " VAGINA." "The Story of Menstruation:.

Myspace is like that crazy EX that just won't go away...

That new Facebook looks like a generic version of Twitter.

Thought I saw a GIANT SEAL at the mall, turns out it was just Rick Ross. #BOSS

On The Toilet (>_<) (o_o) (0_0) ~ (^_^) Ahhhhhhhh That's Better...

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong even autocorrect can't figure out what you meant.

Why do I feel like just saying to everyone FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKER! Im just sayin......

You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana.

If guys had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

"If you want to get anywhere in life you have to be an asshole!"
. Qoute Ken Anderson (former impact world heavyweight champion)

Does your ass ever get jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

That awkward moment when you see someone that looks like someone you know, and you scream their name, and it's not them!

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel...

A few people have been dropped as a baby, clearly you were thrown at the wall....

I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working....

I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.

Just remember, when you're feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race.

I just Saved A Bunch of Money On My Car Insurance, By Switching..To Walking......

If I ever wake up in a room with a bunch of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game", i'm gonna be pissed.

Nicki Minaj's ass would be heaven to a mosquito ...

You know that akward moment where theres a person who wont shut the hell up and you just want to shoot them...

If we aren't meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

That awkward moment when the person who has f*cked up your mood....says " What's wrong, are u okay?"

At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture!!!

Saying "Let's just be friends" is like saying "Let's ignore each other and not to talk anymore."

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!!

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I broke up with Myspace, Facebook was just a rebound & Twitter is the " ONE."