Your mom so stupid she put 2 quarters in her ears and said she was listening to 50c

WORST moment: You get a blanket, sit on the couch all snuggled up & warm, turn the TV on, & you got to pee!

"Hell nahh I called shotgun"

-Rosa Parks

In the past when you hated someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach em' not to fuck with you

Fox News is never about foxes.

when people go underwater in movies, i like to hold my breath to see if i wouldve survived that situation

'don't let the door hit you on the way out' hell, who am i kidding, i hope you fall down the fucking stairs too .

I would like to agree with you. but there is no point in both of us being wrong.

StupidQuestions#2 Teacher: "can you take a seat?" .... Me: "*gasp* are you asking me... to steal?"

StupidQuestions#1 Cashier: "is that all?" .... Me "pshh no. brb, I gotta go get some more over priced shit that I can ...

Bitch you cant get on my level if your always on your knees

Are you part squirrel? Cause your up on everyones nuts.

the awkward moment when you deliver a pizza without the Diet Dr Kelp.

Oh my god I just witness a black guy hating on obama...... Speechless

If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up

What gets longer when pulled, fits between a woman's boobs, inserts neatly into a hole & works best when jerked hard ? a seatbelt..

I WAS going to call you a bastard, but you're too ugly to be a love child!

Remember in kindergarten how it was so badass to say stupid?

I think my BEST FRIENDS and I abuse each other more than the people we hate

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.
We'll see about that...

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

I dont care how old you are... when the ketchup bottle farts, it's funny.

I don't stalk you, but by the way, you're out of milk...

That sick bastard who put the 'd' in wednesday must be the same genius who put the 'R' in February and invented cursive

When I see your face I think... "Man, I need to give your parents some condoms so THAT doesn't happen again."

Them: You suck! ... You: So does your mom but she gets paid to do it!

You should go deepthroat a chainsaw.

That awkward moment when you try to stick a directv remote up your ass 'cause your mom canceled your world of warcraft account.

TEACHER "6+9= ?" YOU "Something I wanna do with..." TEACHER "Excuse me?!" YOU "Uhm, I mean 15"

Dear gas prices, I love it when you go down on me.

what is a frog doing jumping off a bridge? kermitting suicide

It seems like nine out of ten guys these days prefer big boobs and the tenth guy prefers the other nine guys.

Sometimes you just gotta be an asshole because being nice doesn't get you anywhere..

That epic moment when someone gets accused for something you did.

I hate when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

The word "naughty" is soooo.... naughty.

I refuse to take even a single bite of my food until I find something good to watch on TV.

"Hey since you're up could you get me a - or you could sit back down that's cool too"

If you're talking behind my back you're in a good position to kiss my ass

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

About twenty thousand of my friends keep telling me that i over exaggerate...

Metalhead T Is surrounded by Askholes today...Yes, "Askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this bitch..."

Save energy by turning off lights. You wouldn't like if someone turned you on and left.

ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombraro Falls Off And I Drop My Taco

Why when your wife gets pregnant, everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

Dear Martin Luther King Jr. I have a dream...within a dream, within a dream, within a dream! BEAT THAT! sincerely, Leo ...

Hi,welcome to Abercrombie.. our sizes are: small, x-small,anorexic,bulimic,and malnourished.

I am above the influence ..... I am under the influence ... I AM the fucking influence