You are cordially invited to GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

There's a good chance you don't like me. But a even better chance I dont care.

Everyone Says Son Of a Bitch What About Daughter Of a dick?

UGLY doesn't start with I , it always starts with U !

"Mr. Krabs" lives in "Bikini Bottom"..... Think about it

No, you are NOT what you eat. Otherwise we'd become SMART when we eat SMARTIES.

Hangovers: God's way of saying "YOU KICKED ASS LAST NIGHT"

There's no better feeling than not giving a fuck

You look more confused than a blind lesbian at a fish market.

My alarm clock is a DREAM KILLER.

from the way you dress, you should be in a whore-or-movie

Its people like you who really make me hate the general population.

You're annoying me, go stick your head in a fountain and count to 100

Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? .... A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

If you got any bitchier you could have puppies. woof.

When I die, I hope I get to see my killcam.

You won't believe how many times i have l died from not sending on Chain mail.

Go to a park with shades on and a hoodie, wait till someone ask you which kid is yours and say I haven't decided yet...

Cancel my subscription.. ..I'm tired of your issues

I am waiting for that special moment... You know the one where you snap and everyone looks at you like you are nuts.

Eventually with the ressession Ke$ha will have to be Kecha

Dear time, aren't you suppose to make things better? please start doing your job..

Dear peanut butter, it's time. Sincerely, Jelly

when you're waiting alone in the car, everyone outside is a rapist.

Sooooooo... just wondering am I the only one who's died multiple times by not forwarding that forward message? okay, good :)

It Takes some serious skill to trip over flat surfaces.

And God Bless the kid who entertains the class by disrespecting the teacher.

Talking about something scary with friends, and regretting it at 3:30 in the morning.

That awkward moment when the fat kid says "that's how I roll"

You never really learn to swear until you start driving.

How I was created: ~. ~. ~. ~. ~. ~. ~()

if you get sexted by someone you don't like. does that mean you just got molexted?

you deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

I hope you get hit by a bus... Actually no, let's make it a train

I bet you're naked under all those clothes you slut

I don't need anger management... I need people to stop pissing me off.

I wouldn't say that girl is a whore. She just doesn't like to sleep in her own bed!

I also got called immature today....well guess who can't use my crayons anymore.

Dear Who ever is reading, SORRY FOR MAKING YOU SHOUT IN YOUR HEAD! Sincerely, Caps Lock

I'll stop being such a smartass when you stop being such a dumbass.

And when i said "id hit that" I meant with my car.

My imaginary friend thinks you have some SERIOUS issues.

I'm a leader not a follower. Unless its into a dark scary place then fuck that, you go first.

I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

MOM + DAD - CONDOM= GREATEST PERSON EVER.

"K" ... if you reply one more time i'm going to come through this computer and stab you in the eye

never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

Its that paranoid feeling... When you overhear your name in a conversation.

I said you can look at my phone... Not look through all my text messages.

dear math, stop asking for us to find your X, shes not coming back,
and don't ask Y either..

dear math, stop asking for us to find your X, shes not coming back,
and don't ask Y either..

Would you like some EPIC with that FAIL?!

Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

since there's only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?

Hello Mr and Mrs Explorer? Open up . Its social services. We're here to talk about Dora

Admit it, life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

You & your rumors have two things in common; you're both fake & you both get around.

thinks its a shame you can't buy lives on eBay because some people really need to get one ....

when i said i'd tap that, i meant with a shovel.... in the face.... at full force.

tell someone " you wore that shirt the day after yesterday " see how long it takes them to get it.

You're so stupid a colorblind person beat you in a game of twister.

I dare you to walk up to a random person and whisper, "i shower naked"

My imaginary friend thinks you have some SERIOUS issues.

I'm not staring. I'm simply admiring how absolutely unattractive you are.

Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that your lying becomes less important

sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid

Fucking owl won't shut up... damn thing keeps asking me "who"... I've said Mike Jones like thirty times already!!

If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question.

Walmart: because going to Target requires a shower.

sure I can think outside of my box, but I like to stay in my box. I like my box....

You're annoying me. Go play in traffic.

When I Kill A Bee I leave it where I killed it, so the other bees know what's up/

Yeah, ok flip me off I'm real scared of your finger

Dear Haters; you will be pleased to know that I am typing this with my middle finger.

Think about it...Spongebob has a bunch of holes and Patrick has a bunch of pointy pink things....coincidence, I think not

Don't you hate it when you know you're right and no one believes you!

OH SHIT ITS THE COPS! everyone look as white as you can!

"What does STFU mean?" ... "shut the fuck up" ... "Damn Dude, chill! I was just asking"

If your presence doesn't make an impact, your absence won't make a difference.

Unless your name is GOOGLE quit acting like you FUCKING know EVERYTHING.

PeterGriffinn: 1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying gas.

Im thinking of buying a Volkswagen Beetle just so I can be the reason why people are getting punched.

Best pick up line EVER:
"fuck me if I'm wrong, but didn't we meet on the moon?"

Say the phrase "I won a math debate" 5 times fast.

You're not popular.. your Vagina is.

If I truly gave a fuck i'd write a book about it and dedicate it to you, bitch!

I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in bitches...

Weird thought: Can blind people see in their dreams?

You don't have to like me.. I'm not a facebook status.

Fuck you: The only words that come to mind when I hear your name

Ohhhh..that sounded a bit harsh..Let me add a lol to the end.

A.D.D Attention Defi- HOLY SHIT A BIRD!!!

There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't ugly, society is.

Did you just eat a box of "shit tacs?"

We all have that1friend who only talks to us whenever they need something.

Why is it that, When I see someone yawn, I yawn. As a matter of fact, I yawned while typing this...

Dear generous person, Please refrain from holding the door when I am a mile away. It's just awkward... Sincerely, runn ...

The REAL danger of chewing gum in school isn't being caught by your teachers, it's being caught by your friends.

If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.

"wa on da ti ele lac a do nee ah" -sean paul

"Why don't you text me anymore?" I don't know. Mayb b3cuz yhu t3x+ lik di$~

Im as bored as a bald mans hair dryer.

BEER now cheaper than GAS. DRINK dont DRIVE

You're as useless as the Letter H in the word yeah.

Whenever I hear someone say rofl I always think it sounds like Scooby-Doo trying to say waffle.

Why, thats such a lovely shade of whore you have going on. It compliments your bitch quite nicely.

Yea, lets drink a 5 hour energy, then sit down and read a newspaper. FAIL

The real driving manual: Green = go ... Red = stop ... Yellow = get your ass across the road before it turns red!

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Diet? why on earth would I want to do something with the word 'die' in it!

Were you born on the highway? Cause that's where most accidents happen!

There's 3 types of people in this world. people who can count, and people who can't

YOUR gayer then 2 unicorns having crazy sparkly buttsex on a enchanted rainbow.

I may look calm, but in my head I've already thought of 348 ways to kill you and one of them involves a chicken and a butter knife.

I noticed that you're only a bitch on days that end with a Y.

Grammar is important Capital letters are the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" &"helping your uncle jack off a horse"

Just think of all the people that work at dildo factories and tell people they are "toy makers"

the dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman....laydown. relax. open mouth. say ahhh. and spit.

Dear Eminem, Not only do we have the same name, but we're both bl?ck on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andys moms toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

Dear Eminem, Not only do we have the same name, but we're both bl?ck on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

Life without women, would literally be a real pain in the ass.

If dicks had wings your mouth would be an airport.

I hate when people say, " I gotta get my body right for summer"..like, wtf are going to do about that face??

Im multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.