Damn! not only did you fall off of the ugly tree but you hit every branch on your way down.

I just found the good side to procrastinating, you always have something to do tomorrow.

shitday, shitday, shitday, shitday, Friday! SATURDAY!! Sunday! shitday

I like to tell people I'm part of a drug test, I'm always positive, and a little fucked up.

Here kitty-kitty-kitty...here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty well then fuck you!

Hand sanitizer- discovering new cuts you never knew you had.

I saw a piece of shit on the ground yesterday it reminded me of you!

When you go for a job interveiw I think a good question to ask is if they ever press charges

Every great idea always starts with, "DUDE!!"

I once thought a thought, but the thought I thought I thought, was indeed not the thought that I thought I thought.

I didn't trip, I just kicked the floor's ass.

"Immature" is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.

I wish mapquest had an Avoid Ghetto routing option

Pour blue gatorade into an empty bottle of windex and drink it in public... mind blown

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence ;)

I am not lying, just fixing the truth, so it sounds better

How awesome would it be if a cop yelled "PII-KAAA-CHUUUU!!!" right before he tased someone

What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

you better take good care of your eyes cause they're the only balls you got.

easy bake ovens, teaching little girls their place in life since 1963

Does anyone else think to themselves "OH SHIT" when someone says, "we need to talk"?

Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and lets talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

"All you do it sit on the computer all day!" ... "Last time I checked, I sit on a chair motherfucker"

Want to loose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

if you kanye me again , i'll chris brown your ass , OJ your dog , britney spears your head .

"Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go!"
"No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet."
- Germs

Dear Headphones, Please stop having wild sex whenever i put you in in my pocket. Sincerely, Me.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect

I'm nice to the weird kid, so he'll spare my life when he snaps...

I don't hate you, I just strongly dislike you with fiery passion.

Our phone falls, we panic.. our friend falls, we laugh.

I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" ... No, you make the dress look fat.

It's not denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

I think im gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower but with me in it.

What pisses you off more, the fact that I said something insulting about you or the fact you know its true?

Once you go asian, you never miss an equation

Maybe im being an asshole. But when u advertise ur all surfaces cleaning service on you car make sure your DAMN CAR IS CLEAN

Maybe im being a asshole but fat women shouldn't wear wear shag fur coats cause from far away they look like yeti's

Note fo self. When standing out in snowy rainy crappy weather never eat a ms. Fields ice cream sandwhich no matter how delicious it is...... Damn

Note fo self. When standing out in snowy rainy crappy weather never eat a ms. Fields ice cream sandwhich no matter how delicious it is...... Damn

rybody that doesnt agree with u. Welcome 2 my nightmare....... Bitches

asshole but u people need a hobby more than haten on kids skateboarding. We get it u got religion and ur nose stuck up in the air and u look down on eve

Church people in springfield ohio are haters I just seen a sign attached to a concret wall that reads No Skateboarding. Now maybe this is just me being a

Once you go asian, you never miss an equation

Roses are red, violets are blue, im not good at poems, nice tits.

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

Dear Katy perry, My life isn't all that bad.....bitch Sincerely a plastic bag

I didn't give a fuck yesterday, I don't give a fuck today, and I probably won't give a fuck tomorrow .

When you recieve My Angry Text I want you to know that it was typed it with my Middle Finger.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

Ahh, Facebook mobile...or as I like to call it, "walk 'n stalk"

Mondays are boring, Tuesdays are blah Then the rest of the week is just W T F

When I die... Im gonna crack a 40 with the devil then tell him Im now in control

Hearing yourself singing in the shower and wondering why the fuck you've not released an album yet

I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?!

It's funny how all the good singers are on YouTube & all the shitty ones are famous.

GET REAL! No one is going to form a single line if the building is on FIRE!

I speak three Languages: Smartass, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

Love some, Like some, But trust none.

"You look tired"is the nice way of saying "you look like shit"

"I love you." ... "I should get people to pay me for every time I hear that shit"

Music is my only escape from all the BULLSHIT in life.

Lines written on the t-shirt of a 12 year old, "BOOBS".. Coming soon!

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" .. "You're welcome Sargent Sarcasm"

I must say the word "fuck" like 500 fucking times a day.

Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world & still want the confession.

Maybe you should eat makeup, So you can try and be pretty on the inside too!

Today I woke up feeling like pdiddy, wearing a plastic bag & determined to catch a grenade.

I dont like you. you annoy me, Go stand in the corner.

I'm praying for you. You're sick with a terrible new disease, "Fake". Hope you get better soon!

I don't hate you; I'm just done with you.

I hate that mini heart attack I get when I don't feel my phone in your pocket..

I hate the awkward pause between songs on my iPod.

"YO!, Hook me up!".. "The FUCK I look like? .. eHarmony?!"

They say two wrongs don't make a right. Well fuck what they say, I'mma get even.

I survived 6/6/6, 2,000, 9/9/9 , H1N1 ... 2012 , I'm coming for you!

I think Hilary Duff is the only Disney star that didn't become a whore

You take out the " l " in Flag

You're 10 and you have a Facebook, Twitter, and Skype? Uh no, Go back to Club Penguin!

Taylor Swift + Vodka = Ke$ha

Are u ok.... No I just stood here and violently threw up for like 20mins for fun........ Dumb beaver

Funnyman Lay Off The Weed

Maybe im an asshole but Dead Girls Don't Say No!

By the power vested in me, i now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.

I'm not a asshole, I'm a straight-forward type of person. Deal with it.

Four Main Reasons A Girl Will Stop TEXTING YOU: 1 You Got Her Mad 2 You Got Boring 3 She Fell Asleep 4 You Said what she wanted to hear

I got 99 problems and a big ass gun. 44 desert eagle 50 clip magnum.

Holy shit jesus was a hippie

Orange Face, Stuffed Bra, Hooker Makeup ... Well aren't you gorgeous?!

Its that awkward moment when ur in church and ur listening to uripod during the service and Godsmacks song "Bad Religon" comes up in the shuffle

What Is A 6.9? A Good Thing Ruined By A Period

YOU! Are the goddamn leader of Mixed Signals.

People say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" & they wonder why I'm always so damn quiet.

people always complain about how life is too short. liiiiiiiiife. problem solved.

You're as useless as the "H" in John...

Screw you Dora, your adventures suck. I'm team Tommy Pickles.

If I have both headphones in, don't talk to me

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome! Sincerely, Alcohol

Lord_Stewie: RT @FreddyAmazin: Today I was Freezing my ass at the buss stop and someone comes along n asks if the bus came... no bitch I'm just here for nothing

In at least ONE of your classes or job, there's the one loud-ass annoying guy who thinks he's funny ALL THE TIME.

Jersey Shore - white trash now comes in Orange.

I'm bored as a midget at a theme park.

Some people are just alive because it is illegal to kill them

I Speak Fluent Sarcasm

"Are you hurt?" ... "No, I'm bleeding just for fun"

My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

When looking something up on Google, if it's not on the first page of search results then it does not exist and my journey ends there.

Here! Take my advice, I don't use it anyways

I just did some unmentionable, horrible, disgusting things for a Klondike bar.

I'm not an asshole, I just don't give a fuck a lot.

CondomSlogans "Wrap up with latex or she gets your paychecks."

CondomSlogans "Cover your stump before you hump."

CondomSlogans "Before you attack her, wrap your whacker."

Ever have one of those days where your middle finger seems to be the answer to EVERYTHING?

Weekends Forecast: mild alcoholism, 70% chance of poor decisions & impaired judgment. Increasing chance of regret.

You're not completely worthless.I can at least use you as a bad example.

"BRB." JK. I'm not going anywhere. I just don't want to talk to you.

Don't like me? Have a seat with the rest of those haters, waiting for me to give a fuck.

Im not a smartass i just have a highly creative inner dialogue running through my head at all times.

Scrabble game of the century! DR SEUSS VS LIL WAYNE