Modern warfare 3 will be released in Iraq and Afghanistan as "The Sims."

My ex updated her status on Facebook and said she was on a cliff, so I poked her.

A burp is just a fart that took the elevator...

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

Occupy Band Names - Rise Against the Government.

I have a BIG BLACK CLOCK.

Sometimes, when I get bored, I stand in the middle of my bedroom and pretend to be a turtle.

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

Doctors Better Than Conrad Murray..... Dr. Pepper.

Doctors Better Than Conrad Murray..... Dr. Pepper.

Why don't mosquitoes suck fat and cellulite instead of blood...

Why doesn't Tarzan ever have a beard? He lives in the wilderness but has a clean shave...WTF!? Lifes Little Questions

Childhood is like being a drunk, everybody remembers what you did except you....

:): = Bipolar Smiley

"Let's eat Grandma" or "Let's eat, Grandma"- Punctuation saves lives.

Famous Last Words - " Where is everybody? " - Myspace

That Akward Moment when You Get nervous around the police even if you didn't do anything wrong.

That Akward Moment when You Get nervous around the police even if you didn't do anything wrong.

Ghetto Halloween Treats - A Ziploc Of Dry Dog Food

Ghetto Halloween Treats - A I.OWE YOU Note!

Ghetto Halloween Treats - Fruit

Ghetto Hallloween Treats - ToothPicks

Ghetto Halloween Treats - A Penny

Ghetto Halloween Treats - A Penny

Ghetto Halloween Treats - Cough Drops

Getto Halloween Treats + Ziploc Bags Of Cearal

Ghetto halloween treats - Dime Bags

Lies People Always Tell - " I don't masturbate."

We Stopped Talking Because you're disloyal, dishonest & I can't stand fake people!

Im a big shot, theres no doubt light a fire and pee it out! Cant touch me. Cant touch me...

That Awkward Moment when Myspace got lonely and created a Twitter account.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Things We All Hate - that panic of a feeling that you get when you can't find your cell phone.

Things We All Hate - When the computer freezes or shuts down and you didn't save your work.

Dont piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

I use to think drinking was bad, so I stopped thinking...

"FAT FREE" does not means eat the whole bag.

In School Theres Always those days when you actually do your home work but the teacher decides not to collect it.

POSTING PSA - If you notice this Post then you will notice this Post isn't worth noticing.

In School Theres Always That One Girl Who Wears Sweaters In The Summer.

The " No one cares " button would be Facebook's most popular button if they had one...

I hope when you die you come back as a tree so we can grind you up make you into paper then print the bible on your ass

I'm not inconsiderate.....I just don't give a fuck!

I use to think drinking was bad, so I stopped thinking...

The reaction to music is similar to the reactions in the brain that occur for drug and sex addicts.

Damn, you actually think I give a FUCK about what you say and think about me....& that Makes me laugh!

Name That Purfume - The bald and beautiful by Amber Rose.

Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............So did they have belly buttons..... -_-

Happy Columbus Day, lets find a place that's been discovered & claim to be the ones who discovered it.

9)Where Do You Work
10)Is There Any Homework You Have YOU: Nope(WHEN YOU HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF IT)

See You Soon

5)The Dog Did It!
6)I Am Not The Father
7)Seriously You Dont Have To Get Me Anything(Bitch You Better Have Something For Me Or I'mma Choke You)
8)So I'll

2)I'll call you later
3)I'll seriously think about it (NOT REALLY)
4)Its 4.99 (REALLY LIKE 499.99)

Top 10 Lies - I'ma pay you back.

The largest chocolate bar in the world weighed 9,702 pounds.

Twitter Mess Up More Than satellite TV when it's raining.

You Might Be Ghetto If.... You cut the toothpaste tube in half just to get the little bit of toothpaste left..

I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures......... DAMN." O_O ...

Beating the refresh button to death when the internet is slow.

That awkward moment when you have over 100 mutual friends with someone on Facebook but you have NO CLUE who they are..

Things To Do Today: 1. Wake up. 2. Survive. 3. Tweet. 4. Eat. 5. Shit. 6. Go back to bed.

Metalhead T is wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think: "I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

#YouMightBeGhettoIf you cut the toothpaste tube in half just to get the little bit of toothpaste left..

I have a rare condition called Being A Synical Asshole!

Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they'll abandon you as well. Sincerely, Myspace.

We had this cat and he pissed me off so I tried to baptize him

Don't u hate it when someone remembers u but u don't remember them but u act like u do for whatever reason..

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.

It's sad how quickly people can forget about u, until they want something from u.

I thought she had freckles, turns out her mirror was just dirty. #BathroomPics

Just remember, when you're feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race.

Once they see you doing better without them, thats when they want you back.

That awkward moment when the teacher is looking for volunteers to answer the question & you accidentally make eye contact.

#YouNeedToRealize that not everyone has haters. Just because someone doesn't agree with your bull shit doesn't make them a hater.

I never made fun of kids for having an imaginary friend because my imaginary dad raised me right.

Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park...

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

MY ALARM CLOCK IS A DREAM KILLER.

Dear Twitter, sometimes I need more than 140 characters to describe what's on my mind. Sincerely, everyone.

More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.

When I met you, I got this tingling sensation.. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.

That moment of shame when you toss a paper ball into the trash, and you miss, then you have to get up and go get it.

We Live In The "W T F" Generation W: Wikipedia T: Twitter F: Facebook !!

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

"I can't wait till school starts again!" *School Starts* "OMG, I hate school!!!"

@DamnJokesNShit: RT @iTweetFacts: "I can't wait till school starts again!" *School Starts* "OMG, I hate school!!!"

The awkward moment when you have to stare at a text for five minutes to figure out how to reply....

Im No Meteorologiest But Its Raining Bitches!

Parents spend the 1st part of our lives teaching us to walk & talk & the rest of it telling us to sit down & shut up.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

I hate when I forget to turn my swag off before bed & I wake up covered in bitches.

Alcohol - Because no good story started with someone eating a salad.

If you were a dinosaur you'd be a bitch-a-whoreus!

Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?

#LawsMenShouldFollow Never spend more than $5 on the sidechick.

I'm so miserable without you..........it's almost like you're here.

My mom told me not to talk to strangers, but then I made a Twitter account & it became a hobby.

Walt Disney created the first movie to use the word " VAGINA." "The Story of Menstruation:.

Myspace is like that crazy EX that just won't go away...

That new Facebook looks like a generic version of Twitter.

Thought I saw a GIANT SEAL at the mall, turns out it was just Rick Ross. #BOSS

On The Toilet (>_<) (o_o) (0_0) ~ (^_^) Ahhhhhhhh That's Better...

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong even autocorrect can't figure out what you meant.

Why do I feel like just saying to everyone FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKER! Im just sayin......

You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana.

If guys had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

"If you want to get anywhere in life you have to be an asshole!"
. Qoute Ken Anderson (former impact world heavyweight champion)

Does your ass ever get jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

That awkward moment when you see someone that looks like someone you know, and you scream their name, and it's not them!

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel...

A few people have been dropped as a baby, clearly you were thrown at the wall....

I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working....

I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.

Just remember, when you're feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race.

I just Saved A Bunch of Money On My Car Insurance, By Switching..To Walking......

If I ever wake up in a room with a bunch of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game", i'm gonna be pissed.

Nicki Minaj's ass would be heaven to a mosquito ...

You know that akward moment where theres a person who wont shut the hell up and you just want to shoot them...

If we aren't meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

That awkward moment when the person who has f*cked up your mood....says " What's wrong, are u okay?"

At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture!!!

Saying "Let's just be friends" is like saying "Let's ignore each other and not to talk anymore."

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!!

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I broke up with Myspace, Facebook was just a rebound & Twitter is the " ONE."

I ran in to my ex's the other day.....I put it in reverse, and hit them again!

I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.

We are the people are parents warned us about.

School is like a jail, the cells are the classes, teachers are the security guards & the students are the prisoners!

Did you know VODKA makes for a good facial cleanser? Use a cotton ball to apply to face, also tightens pores!

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I ran in to my ex's the other day.....I put it in reverse, and hit them again!

A lot of people get lots of exercise by simply stretching the truth.

The news of a possible break up between Will and Jada Smith .....caused an Earth Quake today.

Will and Jada getting a divorce is like a football being thrown @ a blind man..........NEVER SAW IT COMING!

Don't feel special. I only keep your number in my phone so I know not to answer when you call...

There's just not enough toilet paper in the world to clean up all this shit some people create.

I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens. If I'm trusting u with my money, u should trust me with ur pens.

Damn Baby...u know I put the FUN in FUNERAL. #Dead

She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch. O_O

I love my brain. I get limited data, but downloads are instant and you can't beat the price.

Whenever people ask me dumb questions sometimes I wish I could do this face "-__-" in real life..

Get a pad of paper, and write a letter to someone who gives a fuck.

What does a pregnant hoe have in common with burnt toast? You wish you'd taken it out a few seconds earlier.

I thought you looked good............ until the lights came on.

Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to the strip club for the music.

You Know U a Sideline chick if you're in a relationship with a dude in which u only know his nick name, not his real name.

For those who can't afford a breast lift, try piercing your nipples and wearing a magnet around your neck.

Entered the blindfolded masturbating competition the other week. No idea where I came.

You remind me of my chinese friend, Ug Lee.

When WILL. I.AM Dies will he be called WILL.I.WAS?

Hey girl.....you're so beautiful.............WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.

If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.

If sleep is important then why does school start soo early.

I overheard syrup saying to the pancakes..." You ain't shit without me...!!!"

It was so hot today, I was sweating like R KELLY at a playground.

Your middle finger is especially reserved for FAKE PEOPLE, the ones who smile in ur face but talk sh*t behind ur back.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I stepped on a Cornflake, and now I am a cereal killer.

When I was born I was so surprised, I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

i always wanted to be a invisible guy, not for pervert things.

Tip for success with girls: Don't be ugly.

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

I slapped a lady on the neck the other day, thought it was a roach but it turns out....it was just a mole on her neck.

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Ways to irritate me... Friend calls at 3AM: "Are you asleep?". Me: "NO I'm fucking sky diving!".

Sorry for bad words, my momy didn't love me. :'(

Ways to irritate me talking to me when i'm in my I DONT GIVE A FUCK mode. :)

I gave that bitch some bender, bitches love bender.

Ways to irritate me... A kid staring at me in a public place.

Facebook mad because my main bitch is Twitter.

You know it's late when "Paid Programming" is on damn near every channel.

I need to stop being so damn awesome!!!

I don't really understand this phone sex thing...I just ended up getting shit all over my phone.

If Myspace used to be an addiction then TWITTER was rehab. Twitter came out, we dropped Myspace like a bad habit.

When life gives you lemons. Please don't make another stupid joke about them.

basketballquotes - " Damn, If only I could win a ring. " -(Lebron James.)

All the groupies/gold diggers at home are EXCITED! WHY!?....NBA DRAFT is tonight, new potential BABY DADDY'S.

When I hear myself eating crunchy food, I wonder if people can hear it the same.

Whenever I find the key to happiness, someone changes the damn lock.

How u call my phone, and ask 'Who's this?' DAMN!!! you called me.

how to please a hoodrat - buy her all of the kool aid packet flavors for her birthday.

The thing that bothers me the most is when peeple spel werds rong.

I hope hell has wifi.

Unwritten guy rules - never make eye contact with another dude while eating a banana.

Twitter eggs as a Twitter icon. People who have been on Twitter for a yr & still have yet to upload a pic. #ThatBothersMe

Shout out to all the ladies who are getting married this YEAR, you to will have a RING before Lebron James! #TooSoon?

The only way Lebron James will ever get a ring is if his girl proposes to him.

I bet LEBRON is going to watch " LORD OF THE RINGS " on netflix tonight....just for motivation for next year.

I fell off a 50ft ladder today... luckily I was on the bottom step. hehe.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Im might be being a Asshole here but do I even know your ugly ass???

Am I An AssHole Or Does This Take A Big Man To Do This

I have 2 examples here for you

1)Ok How Big Of A Man do you have to be to start a fight with someones girlfriend the when your mommy comes to pick you up when your 30 then she starts giving the guys girlfriend dirty looks cause the guy had to run his mouth and his brother starts giving the guys girlfriend dirty looks and making rude ass comments just cause they are snobs then the next day he wants to be best friends and talk and bullshit

2)ok how big of a man do you have to be to take all the your bullshit drama out on someones girlfriend just cause ur pissed or cause your jealous either way face it its not going to happen!

Asian Dad: What?!?!?? You got C?!??... You not C sian, or B sian, You A sian!?!?!?

Hating is a lot like volunteer work & though ppl don't get paid to do it, they still love it. Damn shame.

Weed Commandments Do not tell a story while holding a joint.

the awkward moment when you insult someone and they don't understand so you have to explain...

Support your local search and rescue unit. Get lost.

Support your local search and rescue unit. Get lost.

When a girl says "whatever", she really means; I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it.

pringles are the Nazis of chips... all single file... dressed the same... corralled by a crazy mustached dictator.

Fuck off you donkey raping shit eater

Your mom so stupid she put 2 quarters in her ears and said she was listening to 50c

WORST moment: You get a blanket, sit on the couch all snuggled up & warm, turn the TV on, & you got to pee!

"Hell nahh I called shotgun"

-Rosa Parks

In the past when you hated someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach em' not to fuck with you

Fox News is never about foxes.

when people go underwater in movies, i like to hold my breath to see if i wouldve survived that situation

'don't let the door hit you on the way out' hell, who am i kidding, i hope you fall down the fucking stairs too .

I would like to agree with you. but there is no point in both of us being wrong.

StupidQuestions#2 Teacher: "can you take a seat?" .... Me: "*gasp* are you asking me... to steal?"

StupidQuestions#1 Cashier: "is that all?" .... Me "pshh no. brb, I gotta go get some more over priced shit that I can ...

Bitch you cant get on my level if your always on your knees

Are you part squirrel? Cause your up on everyones nuts.

the awkward moment when you deliver a pizza without the Diet Dr Kelp.

Oh my god I just witness a black guy hating on obama...... Speechless

If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up

What gets longer when pulled, fits between a woman's boobs, inserts neatly into a hole & works best when jerked hard ? a seatbelt..

I WAS going to call you a bastard, but you're too ugly to be a love child!

Remember in kindergarten how it was so badass to say stupid?

I think my BEST FRIENDS and I abuse each other more than the people we hate

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.
We'll see about that...

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

I dont care how old you are... when the ketchup bottle farts, it's funny.

I don't stalk you, but by the way, you're out of milk...

That sick bastard who put the 'd' in wednesday must be the same genius who put the 'R' in February and invented cursive

When I see your face I think... "Man, I need to give your parents some condoms so THAT doesn't happen again."

Them: You suck! ... You: So does your mom but she gets paid to do it!

You should go deepthroat a chainsaw.

That awkward moment when you try to stick a directv remote up your ass 'cause your mom canceled your world of warcraft account.

TEACHER "6+9= ?" YOU "Something I wanna do with..." TEACHER "Excuse me?!" YOU "Uhm, I mean 15"

Dear gas prices, I love it when you go down on me.

what is a frog doing jumping off a bridge? kermitting suicide

It seems like nine out of ten guys these days prefer big boobs and the tenth guy prefers the other nine guys.

Sometimes you just gotta be an asshole because being nice doesn't get you anywhere..

That epic moment when someone gets accused for something you did.

I hate when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

The word "naughty" is soooo.... naughty.

I refuse to take even a single bite of my food until I find something good to watch on TV.

"Hey since you're up could you get me a - or you could sit back down that's cool too"

If you're talking behind my back you're in a good position to kiss my ass

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

About twenty thousand of my friends keep telling me that i over exaggerate...

Metalhead T Is surrounded by Askholes today...Yes, "Askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this bitch..."

Save energy by turning off lights. You wouldn't like if someone turned you on and left.

ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombraro Falls Off And I Drop My Taco

Why when your wife gets pregnant, everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

Dear Martin Luther King Jr. I have a dream...within a dream, within a dream, within a dream! BEAT THAT! sincerely, Leo ...

Hi,welcome to Abercrombie.. our sizes are: small, x-small,anorexic,bulimic,and malnourished.

I am above the influence ..... I am under the influence ... I AM the fucking influence

You are cordially invited to GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

There's a good chance you don't like me. But a even better chance I dont care.

Everyone Says Son Of a Bitch What About Daughter Of a dick?

UGLY doesn't start with I , it always starts with U !

"Mr. Krabs" lives in "Bikini Bottom"..... Think about it

No, you are NOT what you eat. Otherwise we'd become SMART when we eat SMARTIES.

Hangovers: God's way of saying "YOU KICKED ASS LAST NIGHT"

There's no better feeling than not giving a fuck

You look more confused than a blind lesbian at a fish market.

My alarm clock is a DREAM KILLER.

from the way you dress, you should be in a whore-or-movie

Its people like you who really make me hate the general population.

You're annoying me, go stick your head in a fountain and count to 100

Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? .... A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

If you got any bitchier you could have puppies. woof.

When I die, I hope I get to see my killcam.

You won't believe how many times i have l died from not sending on Chain mail.

Go to a park with shades on and a hoodie, wait till someone ask you which kid is yours and say I haven't decided yet...

Cancel my subscription.. ..I'm tired of your issues

I am waiting for that special moment... You know the one where you snap and everyone looks at you like you are nuts.

Eventually with the ressession Ke$ha will have to be Kecha

Dear time, aren't you suppose to make things better? please start doing your job..

Dear peanut butter, it's time. Sincerely, Jelly

when you're waiting alone in the car, everyone outside is a rapist.

Sooooooo... just wondering am I the only one who's died multiple times by not forwarding that forward message? okay, good :)

It Takes some serious skill to trip over flat surfaces.

And God Bless the kid who entertains the class by disrespecting the teacher.

Talking about something scary with friends, and regretting it at 3:30 in the morning.

That awkward moment when the fat kid says "that's how I roll"

You never really learn to swear until you start driving.

How I was created: ~. ~. ~. ~. ~. ~. ~()

if you get sexted by someone you don't like. does that mean you just got molexted?

you deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

I hope you get hit by a bus... Actually no, let's make it a train

I bet you're naked under all those clothes you slut

I don't need anger management... I need people to stop pissing me off.

I wouldn't say that girl is a whore. She just doesn't like to sleep in her own bed!

I also got called immature today....well guess who can't use my crayons anymore.

Dear Who ever is reading, SORRY FOR MAKING YOU SHOUT IN YOUR HEAD! Sincerely, Caps Lock

I'll stop being such a smartass when you stop being such a dumbass.

And when i said "id hit that" I meant with my car.

My imaginary friend thinks you have some SERIOUS issues.

I'm a leader not a follower. Unless its into a dark scary place then fuck that, you go first.

I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

MOM + DAD - CONDOM= GREATEST PERSON EVER.

"K" ... if you reply one more time i'm going to come through this computer and stab you in the eye

never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

Its that paranoid feeling... When you overhear your name in a conversation.

I said you can look at my phone... Not look through all my text messages.

dear math, stop asking for us to find your X, shes not coming back,
and don't ask Y either..

dear math, stop asking for us to find your X, shes not coming back,
and don't ask Y either..

Would you like some EPIC with that FAIL?!

Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

since there's only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?

Hello Mr and Mrs Explorer? Open up . Its social services. We're here to talk about Dora

Admit it, life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

You & your rumors have two things in common; you're both fake & you both get around.

thinks its a shame you can't buy lives on eBay because some people really need to get one ....

when i said i'd tap that, i meant with a shovel.... in the face.... at full force.

tell someone " you wore that shirt the day after yesterday " see how long it takes them to get it.

You're so stupid a colorblind person beat you in a game of twister.

I dare you to walk up to a random person and whisper, "i shower naked"

My imaginary friend thinks you have some SERIOUS issues.

I'm not staring. I'm simply admiring how absolutely unattractive you are.

Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that your lying becomes less important

sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid

Fucking owl won't shut up... damn thing keeps asking me "who"... I've said Mike Jones like thirty times already!!

If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question.

Walmart: because going to Target requires a shower.

sure I can think outside of my box, but I like to stay in my box. I like my box....

You're annoying me. Go play in traffic.

When I Kill A Bee I leave it where I killed it, so the other bees know what's up/

Yeah, ok flip me off I'm real scared of your finger

Dear Haters; you will be pleased to know that I am typing this with my middle finger.

Think about it...Spongebob has a bunch of holes and Patrick has a bunch of pointy pink things....coincidence, I think not

Don't you hate it when you know you're right and no one believes you!

OH SHIT ITS THE COPS! everyone look as white as you can!

"What does STFU mean?" ... "shut the fuck up" ... "Damn Dude, chill! I was just asking"

If your presence doesn't make an impact, your absence won't make a difference.

Unless your name is GOOGLE quit acting like you FUCKING know EVERYTHING.

PeterGriffinn: 1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying gas.

Im thinking of buying a Volkswagen Beetle just so I can be the reason why people are getting punched.

Best pick up line EVER:
"fuck me if I'm wrong, but didn't we meet on the moon?"

Say the phrase "I won a math debate" 5 times fast.

You're not popular.. your Vagina is.

If I truly gave a fuck i'd write a book about it and dedicate it to you, bitch!

I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in bitches...

Weird thought: Can blind people see in their dreams?

You don't have to like me.. I'm not a facebook status.

Fuck you: The only words that come to mind when I hear your name

Ohhhh..that sounded a bit harsh..Let me add a lol to the end.

A.D.D Attention Defi- HOLY SHIT A BIRD!!!

There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't ugly, society is.

Did you just eat a box of "shit tacs?"

We all have that1friend who only talks to us whenever they need something.

Why is it that, When I see someone yawn, I yawn. As a matter of fact, I yawned while typing this...

Dear generous person, Please refrain from holding the door when I am a mile away. It's just awkward... Sincerely, runn ...

The REAL danger of chewing gum in school isn't being caught by your teachers, it's being caught by your friends.

If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.

"wa on da ti ele lac a do nee ah" -sean paul

"Why don't you text me anymore?" I don't know. Mayb b3cuz yhu t3x+ lik di$~

Im as bored as a bald mans hair dryer.

BEER now cheaper than GAS. DRINK dont DRIVE

You're as useless as the Letter H in the word yeah.

Whenever I hear someone say rofl I always think it sounds like Scooby-Doo trying to say waffle.

Why, thats such a lovely shade of whore you have going on. It compliments your bitch quite nicely.

Yea, lets drink a 5 hour energy, then sit down and read a newspaper. FAIL

The real driving manual: Green = go ... Red = stop ... Yellow = get your ass across the road before it turns red!

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Diet? why on earth would I want to do something with the word 'die' in it!

Were you born on the highway? Cause that's where most accidents happen!

There's 3 types of people in this world. people who can count, and people who can't

YOUR gayer then 2 unicorns having crazy sparkly buttsex on a enchanted rainbow.

I may look calm, but in my head I've already thought of 348 ways to kill you and one of them involves a chicken and a butter knife.

I noticed that you're only a bitch on days that end with a Y.

Grammar is important Capital letters are the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" &"helping your uncle jack off a horse"

Just think of all the people that work at dildo factories and tell people they are "toy makers"

the dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman....laydown. relax. open mouth. say ahhh. and spit.

Dear Eminem, Not only do we have the same name, but we're both bl?ck on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andys moms toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

Dear Eminem, Not only do we have the same name, but we're both bl?ck on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

Life without women, would literally be a real pain in the ass.

If dicks had wings your mouth would be an airport.

I hate when people say, " I gotta get my body right for summer"..like, wtf are going to do about that face??

Im multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Damn! not only did you fall off of the ugly tree but you hit every branch on your way down.

I just found the good side to procrastinating, you always have something to do tomorrow.

shitday, shitday, shitday, shitday, Friday! SATURDAY!! Sunday! shitday

I like to tell people I'm part of a drug test, I'm always positive, and a little fucked up.

Here kitty-kitty-kitty...here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty well then fuck you!

Hand sanitizer- discovering new cuts you never knew you had.

I saw a piece of shit on the ground yesterday it reminded me of you!

When you go for a job interveiw I think a good question to ask is if they ever press charges

Every great idea always starts with, "DUDE!!"

I once thought a thought, but the thought I thought I thought, was indeed not the thought that I thought I thought.

I didn't trip, I just kicked the floor's ass.

"Immature" is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.

I wish mapquest had an Avoid Ghetto routing option

Pour blue gatorade into an empty bottle of windex and drink it in public... mind blown

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence ;)

I am not lying, just fixing the truth, so it sounds better

How awesome would it be if a cop yelled "PII-KAAA-CHUUUU!!!" right before he tased someone

What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

you better take good care of your eyes cause they're the only balls you got.

easy bake ovens, teaching little girls their place in life since 1963

Does anyone else think to themselves "OH SHIT" when someone says, "we need to talk"?

Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and lets talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

"All you do it sit on the computer all day!" ... "Last time I checked, I sit on a chair motherfucker"

Want to loose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

if you kanye me again , i'll chris brown your ass , OJ your dog , britney spears your head .

"Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go!"
"No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet."
- Germs

Dear Headphones, Please stop having wild sex whenever i put you in in my pocket. Sincerely, Me.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect

I'm nice to the weird kid, so he'll spare my life when he snaps...

I don't hate you, I just strongly dislike you with fiery passion.

Our phone falls, we panic.. our friend falls, we laugh.

I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" ... No, you make the dress look fat.

It's not denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

I think im gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower but with me in it.

What pisses you off more, the fact that I said something insulting about you or the fact you know its true?

Once you go asian, you never miss an equation

Maybe im being an asshole. But when u advertise ur all surfaces cleaning service on you car make sure your DAMN CAR IS CLEAN

Maybe im being a asshole but fat women shouldn't wear wear shag fur coats cause from far away they look like yeti's

Note fo self. When standing out in snowy rainy crappy weather never eat a ms. Fields ice cream sandwhich no matter how delicious it is...... Damn

Note fo self. When standing out in snowy rainy crappy weather never eat a ms. Fields ice cream sandwhich no matter how delicious it is...... Damn

rybody that doesnt agree with u. Welcome 2 my nightmare....... Bitches

asshole but u people need a hobby more than haten on kids skateboarding. We get it u got religion and ur nose stuck up in the air and u look down on eve

Church people in springfield ohio are haters I just seen a sign attached to a concret wall that reads No Skateboarding. Now maybe this is just me being a

Once you go asian, you never miss an equation

Roses are red, violets are blue, im not good at poems, nice tits.

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

Dear Katy perry, My life isn't all that bad.....bitch Sincerely a plastic bag

I didn't give a fuck yesterday, I don't give a fuck today, and I probably won't give a fuck tomorrow .

When you recieve My Angry Text I want you to know that it was typed it with my Middle Finger.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

Ahh, Facebook mobile...or as I like to call it, "walk 'n stalk"

Mondays are boring, Tuesdays are blah Then the rest of the week is just W T F

When I die... Im gonna crack a 40 with the devil then tell him Im now in control

Hearing yourself singing in the shower and wondering why the fuck you've not released an album yet

I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?!

It's funny how all the good singers are on YouTube & all the shitty ones are famous.

GET REAL! No one is going to form a single line if the building is on FIRE!

I speak three Languages: Smartass, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

Love some, Like some, But trust none.

"You look tired"is the nice way of saying "you look like shit"

"I love you." ... "I should get people to pay me for every time I hear that shit"

Music is my only escape from all the BULLSHIT in life.

Lines written on the t-shirt of a 12 year old, "BOOBS".. Coming soon!

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" .. "You're welcome Sargent Sarcasm"

I must say the word "fuck" like 500 fucking times a day.

Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world & still want the confession.

Maybe you should eat makeup, So you can try and be pretty on the inside too!

Today I woke up feeling like pdiddy, wearing a plastic bag & determined to catch a grenade.

I dont like you. you annoy me, Go stand in the corner.

I'm praying for you. You're sick with a terrible new disease, "Fake". Hope you get better soon!

I don't hate you; I'm just done with you.

I hate that mini heart attack I get when I don't feel my phone in your pocket..

I hate the awkward pause between songs on my iPod.

"YO!, Hook me up!".. "The FUCK I look like? .. eHarmony?!"

They say two wrongs don't make a right. Well fuck what they say, I'mma get even.

I survived 6/6/6, 2,000, 9/9/9 , H1N1 ... 2012 , I'm coming for you!

I think Hilary Duff is the only Disney star that didn't become a whore

You take out the " l " in Flag

You're 10 and you have a Facebook, Twitter, and Skype? Uh no, Go back to Club Penguin!

Taylor Swift + Vodka = Ke$ha

Are u ok.... No I just stood here and violently threw up for like 20mins for fun........ Dumb beaver

Funnyman Lay Off The Weed

Maybe im an asshole but Dead Girls Don't Say No!

By the power vested in me, i now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.

I'm not a asshole, I'm a straight-forward type of person. Deal with it.

Four Main Reasons A Girl Will Stop TEXTING YOU: 1 You Got Her Mad 2 You Got Boring 3 She Fell Asleep 4 You Said what she wanted to hear

I got 99 problems and a big ass gun. 44 desert eagle 50 clip magnum.

Holy shit jesus was a hippie

Orange Face, Stuffed Bra, Hooker Makeup ... Well aren't you gorgeous?!

Its that awkward moment when ur in church and ur listening to uripod during the service and Godsmacks song "Bad Religon" comes up in the shuffle

What Is A 6.9? A Good Thing Ruined By A Period

YOU! Are the goddamn leader of Mixed Signals.

People say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" & they wonder why I'm always so damn quiet.

people always complain about how life is too short. liiiiiiiiife. problem solved.

You're as useless as the "H" in John...

Screw you Dora, your adventures suck. I'm team Tommy Pickles.

If I have both headphones in, don't talk to me

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome! Sincerely, Alcohol

Lord_Stewie: RT @FreddyAmazin: Today I was Freezing my ass at the buss stop and someone comes along n asks if the bus came... no bitch I'm just here for nothing

In at least ONE of your classes or job, there's the one loud-ass annoying guy who thinks he's funny ALL THE TIME.

Jersey Shore - white trash now comes in Orange.

I'm bored as a midget at a theme park.

Some people are just alive because it is illegal to kill them

I Speak Fluent Sarcasm

"Are you hurt?" ... "No, I'm bleeding just for fun"

My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

When looking something up on Google, if it's not on the first page of search results then it does not exist and my journey ends there.

Here! Take my advice, I don't use it anyways

I just did some unmentionable, horrible, disgusting things for a Klondike bar.

I'm not an asshole, I just don't give a fuck a lot.

CondomSlogans "Wrap up with latex or she gets your paychecks."

CondomSlogans "Cover your stump before you hump."

CondomSlogans "Before you attack her, wrap your whacker."

Ever have one of those days where your middle finger seems to be the answer to EVERYTHING?

Weekends Forecast: mild alcoholism, 70% chance of poor decisions & impaired judgment. Increasing chance of regret.

You're not completely worthless.I can at least use you as a bad example.

"BRB." JK. I'm not going anywhere. I just don't want to talk to you.